Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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