You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i already hear my dad disowning me
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
