the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
