she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
