I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
