you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
