how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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