Don't make out with my wife yet
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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