She's JV to your varsity
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
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