I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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