My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
