I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Dear god my vagina.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
