i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
