I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
