I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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