I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
