I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
