I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
