I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
