can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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