i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
