I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
