I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
