i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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