How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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