it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
