Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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