You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have feelings that need drinking.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
