Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
