If i come over, it means nothing
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
