I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
