We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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