You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
