my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
