what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
