dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
