Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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