dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
