she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
