If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
