ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
