this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
