she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
