My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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