Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
