I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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