Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
