she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
