My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
