Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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