Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
